Locker Room: an Observation

I’m a sporadic 5:00AM work out guy. The problem with this is I’m not a morning person. Five is just what works considering I have a wife, two young sons and a job. Unfortunately, most of the guys at my local YMCA are overly nice morning people. I just find some of the accepted behaviors in our male locker room to be peculiar. To protect the innocent, I will describe some scenarios and personality types:

There is the entire naked men issue. This isn’t so bad when everyone is moving about, politely looking up and not trying to strike up a conversation. I have to agree with Seinfeld on naked men; our bodies are like Jeeps: for function only.

Shower talkers. I don’t speak in the shower even when addressed. I don’t care if it’s rude. One of my best friends is also a sporadic 5:00 guy. If we stood side-by-side in the shower, we would act as if the other didn’t exist and not be the least bit offended. It never fails though, there are always shower talkers who carry on, tell jokes loudly, fake laugh at each other and move around unnecessarily.

Poopers. We have two guys who poop about 5:15. I know this because of the mornings I run late. They are proud poopers, too. These are probably military guys who can poop on demand anywhere. I’m actually jealous.

Slow Dressers. These are the ones who take up an inordinate amount of space, apologize constantly, and never correct their rude actions.

Feet People. They invest in high-end anti-microbial foot protection. These expensive flip-flops only come in loud feminine colors.

Naked Shaving Guys. This is the worst offense. Standing at the sink row, in the buff, with one’s mid-section pressed against the counter edge as the individual leans in to the mirror and shaves. The effect is a pube forest growing from the counter's edge. I can’t think about this when I use the sinks.

Ashamed. These people, if they even attempt to change in the gym, will have near panic attacks any time someone comes near. They never shower at the gym.

So where do I fall? Normal. I’m the guy who doesn’t fuss about. I’m aware of invisible personal spaces, I wipe down the public sink area when I’m done and completely empties my locker.